Why I’m Quitting: A Review on Mondays

I decided to try clickbait with my cleverly worded and rather alarming title. If you reach the end of the title, it gets much less alarming and more… just lame. Ignore that part and keep reading. This is a test.

Usually when I think of Mondays, thinking of death, plastic cheese and a world without doughnuts is in the same mental category. The only truly great aspect of Mondays is that Tuesdays are a mere twenty four hours away. The only truly great thing about this particular Monday is that gas was $1.59.

In human biology class, the teacher read out of the textbook in a monotone that I can see making millions if used as a sleep aid. Since I had actually read the chapter and taken detailed notes – in an extreme fit of boredom this weekend – the only thing left was to scrutinize the other people in class until I would be able to pick them out of a crowd in ten years. Pop culture more than made up for biology class, though, because we watched banned children’s cartoons and oldies music videos (who knew long hair and skintight psychedelic outfits could be so hypnotizing? Never, ever, ever want to another man wearing a neon v-neck.)

Januarys in Michigan should be against the law. Today’s layer of thick gray has settled into me, and all I want to do is lay on my floor (everything is more dramatic if one is prostrate on the floor. I have learned this useful fact from TV shows) listening to emotional, sweeping film scores and thinking about the theraupetic elements of cheese. Who am I kidding – I would also be consuming said cheese and allowing a few dramatic tears to escape every now and then. As it is, I’m hard at work here in my tiny cafe, staring alternately at the gym and a giant slice of brownie. My life is full of important and stressful decisions, as I’m sure you can tell. Update: I procrastinated on both and ate applesauce instead. I fed the brownie to my sister, because she’s so skinny that it doesn’t matter how many brownies she eats.

It’s early on in the semester and I only have six homework assignments I could be working on at this moment. Instead of doing actual work, I wrote a letter to my aunt, who gets all the snarky details I wouldn’t dare share with the Internet. Yes, I wrote an actual handwritten letter and will send it with an actual stamp and envelope. In case no one remembers what stamps are, they are those tiny squares with pictures of Bugs Bunny that taste horrible when licked.

In case you hadn’t noticed, there really is no point to this post and the real reason I’m writing is because procrastinating on something else is far more important. Also I’m busy perfecting my profile on the dating site my professor told us to join as an assignment. “Assignment” – I think she just noticed how single I am. Be right back, texting classmates.

A customer just asked me if the m&m cookies were real. For anyone who asks me that in future, the answer is no. They’re made out of plastic. Duh.

I’m quitting Mondays until further notice.

May your journey be ever onward to Tuesday and beyond,




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